It’s refreshing to go to a wedding where “The Humpty Dance” is played and enjoyed.
April 2012
28 posts
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“They’re boarding Zone 1, and I’m in Zone 3…better stand up now and get in everybody’s way!”
—Everyone. In. This. Airport.
50 Old-Timey Baseball Players (with apologies to John Hodgman)
I will now attempt to compose a list of 50 old-timey baseball players and their nicknames, completely from my imagination. And away we go:
1) “Skunky” Tom Dignan
2) Dave “Irish Pete” Shaughnessy
3) “Slap-Daddy” Ben Fossgate
4) “Alderaan” Timmy Watts
5) “Hot-Ears” Larry O’Toole
6) Don “Carries a Knife Around the Bases” Clarck
7) “Outhouse” Willy Koltz
8) Catfish “Steve” Willis
9) Orion Jones, “The Three-Legged Butter-Man”
10) William Jennings Bryan, “The Gold Standard”
11) Orson “Boreson” Foreson
12) “Kit-Kat” Malloy, baseball’s first cat-owner
13) “Shark-Eatin’ ” Sandy Wallace
14) “Snake-Fightin’ ” Bernard Douglass
15) “Scorpion-Kissin’ ” Ranier Wiess
16) “Gloveless” Harry Small
17) “Hatless” Harry Medium
18) Greg “The Heart Attack Havin’ Kid” Havencamp
19) “No-Legs” Andrew Murphy (he had two legs, but was born with no knees)
20) Jon Lee “Wacky Tobacky” Stokes
21) David M. “Cocaine Eyes” Aalderman
22) Francis “Does LSD During the Game” Cooke
23) Ruth “Bader” Ginsburg
24) “Saltfish” Dogwater Burstyn, Jr.
25) Wally “Wedding Dress” Boothe
26) “Tinted Windows” Buddy Coyle
27) Don “High Fiber” Faeber
28) Dick “Don Draper” Whitman
29) Colt “Fart Zepplin” Brooks
30) “Bacon Feet” Bob Hawlsey
31) Ted “Teapot Dome” Scandle
32) Larry “What is Australia?” Westinghouse
33) “Italian” Ned Cumberpatch
34) “Not-Italian” Vincenzo Carmello
35) Michael “Crab-Ass” Cay
36) Gabriel Steeves, “The Cincinnati High-Heels-Wearer”
37) Ezekiel “Ashamed of His Brother’s Lifestyle” Steeves
38) Balthazaar “Bathsheeba” Meyers
39) Able “Corn-Smacker” Salk
40) Willie Gubble, “The Brain-Dead Boy”
41) Kelly “Skeleton-Shaped Mole” Burns
42) Hortence “Azalea-Faced” Schumer
43) “Drinks A Lot of Wine Before Every Game” John Pike
44) “Shotgun Wound” Roy Beaver
45) Bruce “Carpet Shampooer” Spurlock
46) Victor “Toilet” Graves
47) Merle “Possum’s Wife” West
48) Neil Young “And Crazy Horse”
49) Albert “Albert Hall” Hall
50) Barnaby “Puke” Conrad
Why kids have a hard time with language
- My Nephew: What happened to Jimmy?
- My Mom: They had to take the stone out of his kidney, so they put him to sleep and then they...
- My Nephew: OH NO, THEY KILLED JIMMY?!?!
- My Mom: ...What?
- My Nephew: They put him to sleep, like they do with hurt animals?
- My Mom: No, honey, I mean they made him GO TO sleep, then they woke him up. He's fine!
- My Nephew: But how did a stone get in his kidney?
- My Niece (now paying attention): Who killed Jimmy?
- My Mom: Let's go get ice cream.
Kidney Stoned - CONCLUSION!
Today was the procedure. First time I ever got anesthesia! Gotta say, pretty awesome. As best I can tell, no one did an inception on me.
Only issue now is the excruciating pain when I pee and a little soreness in the side but…better than a kidney stone. Believe it or not.
Thanks to everyone for good thoughts and well-wishes. Special thanks to my fiancée for putting up with me.
“What are you going to do, put on your galoshes and go eat some fruit, like a FRENCHMAN?!”
—Elaine Stritch as Colleen Donaghy, eating the friggin’ scenery.
wildly tame: Can You Look Nice Today start a dating service? →
katewinslut.tumblr.com
They could set their listeners up on blind dates.
I used to have a long list of things I want in a partner, but now the only thing I care about is that they find YLNT funny, because if they don’t there is no way we’ll last.
I propose the Truck Spank…
Something about this screams “start coding this”. I…I might give it a try.
How my memory works:
Memory: GET YOUR TIRES ROTATED!
Me: What?
Memory: Hm? Oh, hey, here’s a bunch of Paul Simon songs you know.
Me: Awesome.
(Fin.)
At the coffee shop,
I was going to tell a lady that she looked a lot like Madeleine Albright. But then I realized that the only time it would be good to look like Madeleine Albright would be if you were, in fact, Madeleine Albright. Otherwise, yeesh. So I stayed quiet.
Pretty proud of myself.
There’s a reason he was voted America’s Greatest Citizen*.
* By me.
