50 Old-Timey Baseball Players (with apologies to John Hodgman)
I will now attempt to compose a list of 50 old-timey baseball players and their nicknames, completely from my imagination. And away we go:
1) “Skunky” Tom Dignan
2) Dave “Irish Pete” Shaughnessy
3) “Slap-Daddy” Ben Fossgate
4) “Alderaan” Timmy Watts
5) “Hot-Ears” Larry O’Toole
6) Don “Carries a Knife Around the Bases” Clarck
7) “Outhouse” Willy Koltz
8) Catfish “Steve” Willis
9) Orion Jones, “The Three-Legged Butter-Man”
10) William Jennings Bryan, “The Gold Standard”
11) Orson “Boreson” Foreson
12) “Kit-Kat” Malloy, baseball’s first cat-owner
13) “Shark-Eatin’ ” Sandy Wallace
14) “Snake-Fightin’ ” Bernard Douglass
15) “Scorpion-Kissin’ ” Ranier Wiess
16) “Gloveless” Harry Small
17) “Hatless” Harry Medium
18) Greg “The Heart Attack Havin’ Kid” Havencamp
19) “No-Legs” Andrew Murphy (he had two legs, but was born with no knees)
20) Jon Lee “Wacky Tobacky” Stokes
21) David M. “Cocaine Eyes” Aalderman
22) Francis “Does LSD During the Game” Cooke
23) Ruth “Bader” Ginsburg
24) “Saltfish” Dogwater Burstyn, Jr.
25) Wally “Wedding Dress” Boothe
26) “Tinted Windows” Buddy Coyle
27) Don “High Fiber” Faeber
28) Dick “Don Draper” Whitman
29) Colt “Fart Zepplin” Brooks
30) “Bacon Feet” Bob Hawlsey
31) Ted “Teapot Dome” Scandle
32) Larry “What is Australia?” Westinghouse
33) “Italian” Ned Cumberpatch
34) “Not-Italian” Vincenzo Carmello
35) Michael “Crab-Ass” Cay
36) Gabriel Steeves, “The Cincinnati High-Heels-Wearer”
37) Ezekiel “Ashamed of His Brother’s Lifestyle” Steeves
38) Balthazaar “Bathsheeba” Meyers
39) Able “Corn-Smacker” Salk
40) Willie Gubble, “The Brain-Dead Boy”
41) Kelly “Skeleton-Shaped Mole” Burns
42) Hortence “Azalea-Faced” Schumer
43) “Drinks A Lot of Wine Before Every Game” John Pike
44) “Shotgun Wound” Roy Beaver
45) Bruce “Carpet Shampooer” Spurlock
46) Victor “Toilet” Graves
47) Merle “Possum’s Wife” West
48) Neil Young “And Crazy Horse”
49) Albert “Albert Hall” Hall
50) Barnaby “Puke” Conrad
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