The Internet is Eating Me

intttyhtlyl: Rize of the Fenix by Tenacious D Have you been...

Sat, 26 May 2012 21:35:34 -0400

Rize of the Fenix by Tenacious D

Have you been longing for The D?

The streams of fire that propelled Jack Black to ubiquity also burned the Rage Kage, but that doesn’t mean they were every that far apart. And now, from the ashes of their crappy Pick of Destiny movie, they rise again. Like the “fenix”.

Come for the title track, stay for songs like “Deth Starr” and “Rock is Dead”. Sick guitar, Jack Black’s incredible vocals, Dave Grohl on Drums. WHAT MORE DO YOU DEMAND?!?

intttyhtlyl: I’m Not Trying to Tell You How to Live Your...

Fri, 25 May 2012 07:48:26 -0400

intttyhtlyl:

I’m Not Trying to Tell You How to Live Your Life

A new blog by Jimmy Marks

Hi.

Do you like things?

Do you like wondering what kind of things I use and enjoy?

This is a blog with both of those concepts.

I’d appreciate it if you gave it a follow, and as always, thank you for your time.

P.S. — Sorry about the little taggy thing. I bought one for another post on my personal tumblr and you have to purchase them in packs of five. Thought I’d burn one.

WHY ARE WE PISSING OUR TIME AWAY ON ANY OTHER T.V. SHOW THAN...

Fri, 25 May 2012 07:15:21 -0400

WHY ARE WE PISSING OUR TIME AWAY ON ANY OTHER T.V. SHOW THAN THIS ONE?!?!

(by the very talented Matt at Illustration a Day)

youlooknicetoday: Frako found the original Book of Dan shirt,...

Thu, 24 May 2012 07:14:53 -0400

youlooknicetoday:

Frako found the original Book of Dan shirt, nice work! I think this is from Nickelpuss?

The BOD shirt is from “Known for His Reach”. Erm, so.

Oh, Lutz. Do you never shut up?

Wed, 23 May 2012 20:08:55 -0400

Oh, Lutz. Do you never shut up?

Arright, listen - if you don't think I'll go see a "MacGruber" sequel...

Tue, 22 May 2012 18:28:29 -0400

…well, I will.

Either someone at the shirt company has poor grammar or...

Sun, 20 May 2012 10:56:36 -0400

Either someone at the shirt company has poor grammar or Grandpa’s awfully full of himself.

BOOOOO! I BOOO YOU, WEATHER DOT COM!

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:58:59 -0400

BOOOOO! I BOOO YOU, WEATHER DOT COM!

You GUYS!!!

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:42:22 -0400

That GRUBER THING is on a more DIFFERENT THING NOW!!!

I…don’t…know…why…but I also don’t care, really.

NOOOOO OPINION!!!!!

I combined my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Google Reader feeds using Flipboard and now I am the...

Tue, 15 May 2012 19:42:27 -0400

I combined my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Google Reader feeds using Flipboard and now I am the CHAMPION OF INTERNET.

The quiet cool of the morning

Tue, 15 May 2012 07:06:00 -0400

I’m very sleepy. And I’m sitting on the floor typing this, wondering whether or not I’ll keep my cool today. Lot of stuff going on, a lot of problems to solve before quittin’ time.

Breathing is important. I think I might start yoga. Don’t know if it helps with weight loss but I know it’s good for stress and general health. Who doesn’t want improved health? And yes, I’d like a little weight loss, too.

Truth is, I need to get back into an exercise routine and quit griping. No more wondering “if” I can get in shape, of COURSE I can get in shape. Now’s a time to start doing something about it.

Gotta slim down before the wedding. Did I tell you all we’ve set a date? 5/11/13. We’ll probably be posting Instagram photos and tweets throughout the day that day, so in a sense, you’re all invited.

I need to get started on all the artsy-fartsy invitations and shirts and whatnot. Another on a towering list of stuff I absolutely must get done.

Long story short: there’s a lot on my mind. But the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff, so it’s a light load.

Moms

Mon, 14 May 2012 07:34:17 -0400

Anne and I took the moms out for Saturday and drove around our home town/county looking at possible wedding venues and talking details.

Our moms were super bubbly about it and thrilled we were including them in the experience.

It was nice to finally start talking out loud about what kind of wedding we want and how excited we were.

Time and attention. Sure, they’re good watch words for business and creativity and productivity, but man, do they ever mean a lot to your mother.

That you’re willing to spend the time.

That you’re willing to pay attention.

They both had a very happy mother’s day.

chantlove: Meet Liam. Talk about a perfect angle!

Mon, 14 May 2012 07:19:27 -0400

chantlove:

Meet Liam. Talk about a perfect angle!

No, YOU were whistling the melody of the “All-American League” anthem from “A...

Fri, 11 May 2012 20:00:35 -0400

No, YOU were whistling the melody of the “All-American League” anthem from “A League of Their Own”!

I like my bourbon like I like my fiancée:

Fri, 11 May 2012 07:39:24 -0400

Mellow, yet bold
With origins in Tennessee
Makes me irrationally angry, then somberly apologetic

jelenedra: apiphile: prologi: princessickness: karenamadof: ...

Thu, 10 May 2012 18:26:23 -0400

jelenedra:

apiphile:

prologi:

princessickness:

karenamadof:

&ILOVEYOUTOO<3

SPREAD THE DAMN WORD

So now I’m really curious because either I’m dim or this doesn’t work on a Finnish keyboard. (Only one alt key, the other one’s alt gr.)

No, it’s stopped doing it now. It’s really frustrating.

OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Told you I’ve been drawing Tyrion Lannister a lot. BUT YOU...

Thu, 10 May 2012 13:30:08 -0400

Told you I’ve been drawing Tyrion Lannister a lot. BUT YOU DOUBTED ME.

I’d let her conquer MY kingdom with fire and blood, if you...

Thu, 10 May 2012 07:12:00 -0400

I’d let her conquer MY kingdom with fire and blood, if you know what I mean.

Wait…

(via Dorkly)

The Gold Man

Wed, 09 May 2012 23:41:00 -0400

I started writing this short story a number of years ago and I just got around to finishing it. I’m hoping you like it.

________________

She said her goodbyes and disappeared. Her blue dress, her hair, her scent. She smelled like cornflowers and poppies and the pure, clean earth.

And then she was gone. As was the last happy day of my life.

They turned to us, the poor fools. Curious as to who was responsible for making everything right now that their great, feared leader was gone, everyone turned and looked at us. At me.

We just stared at each other, the three of us.

“Not to worry,” the Straw-Man said. “Not to worry whatsoever! We have the situation well in hand. As a matter of fact, we’ve each been given gifts by the Wizard himself.”

“I have been given a superior intellect, the likes of which are unmatched in these lands. Our lion here is now a decorated general! A king of beasts and a fierce protector of men! And the tin woodsman behind me, who was once merely a machine of industry, is now the owner of a spirited heart! His empathy, the lion’s bravery and my wisdom will guide you through these dark days and bring you the best days of your lives!”

The people cheered. They didn’t have to worry about their lives before and they wouldn’t have to worry now.

A week later, the elephants started marching.

___

They pushed down the trees and bore through the forests, unstoppable. They had heard our decree - that the lion would be king of the forest. That didn’t sit well with them.

And so, the lion returned to the forest, his medal gleaming like a beacon. The fears of the people were allayed, and they believed their existence was not under threat. Life went on for a few more years, the thunder of the Forest War echoing in the dark of the night.

In that time, Straw Man and I set to work.

We laid across the master chamber a giant map of the countryside. The tiny people in the east had lots of sugar, acres and acres of it. It was powerfully sweet and didn’t seem to fatten any of them much, and we wondered if it would be just as good for our people. We sent an emissary there and they agreed to let us buy from them.

With sweeter sugar more readily available, we made a killing in the cities and the townships outside. Beers and liquors and candies and all manner of preservatives and cosmetics. The money started coming in.

The Straw Man celebrated our newfound success with a bottle of sugar-rum. It soaked through his straw and soiled his clothes, the ratty old rags that he’d worn since the day the two of us met.

He threw them into a fire and called for a tailor to make him a proper suit. He looked quite dapper.

“No more scarecrow for me,” he said firmly. “A respectable man needs a respectable suit. We’re the new wizards, after all.”

I heard the thunder of the elephants and the roar of the lions from the forests. “Wizard?” I asked. “Why would the people want another wizard? He was a terrible.”

“They want someone in charge. We are. They want someone they can trust. They can trust us. We’re handling the elephant problem after all.”

“Can they trust us?” I pondered.

He didn’t seem to hear me.

—-

After a few months, the sounds of battle died down. We’d naturally assumed that Lion had handled everything. Reports from our green-skinned loyalist scouts were mixed, but most seemed to agree that Lion had sired three children with a lioness deep in the forest. The lot of them had rallied the other animals against the elephants. The rhinos were handy in toppling the great gray beasts. The tigers were fierce and very loyal, however quiet.

The bears were decimated, but were dedicated to their service. Their numbers dwindled as the Lions populated further.

Our big map began to show some color. Our successes were marked in great, green swaths that we painted over different portions of the countryside. The munchkins had been made rich by their sugar fields and their willingness to trade, a fact we took to heart and thanked ourselves for doing. Straw Man began to plot what else we could sell, what else other villages and other lands might need.

We had acres of timber going to waste in the Forest War. We sent the loyals into the wood to tell Lion - try to spare the trees, they were needed. Take down any elephants you fight with a sense of care, as we didn’t want wasted crop. This only strengthened Lion’s resolve. He really, finally was brave. And more than brave, he was cunning.

The people of the city were very receptive to change. Great green posters of the Straw Man adorned the city walls.

“The experience we need. The wisdom we trust.”

My main role was ambassador, reaching out to other cities. From Au to Ir, from Ag to He, we struck deals to trade resources and start living without fear of the witches and wizards that had plagued us for so long. At one time, east feared west, north feared south, and no deals were made - travel and transport were too risky. If you didn’t have it in your homeland, you didn’t have it. Trade was the new currency, the new magic. We provided it.

The tin of my former body began to corrode again after a time. We replaced my arms and legs with bronze, which was heavier and more presentable. We took that cursed funnel off my head and sanded down my edges. “If you’re more presentable, you’re more respectable,” said Straw Man. There was something to that - since he’d abandoned his silly rags and burlap, he’d become one of our city’s most sought after bachelors. He wined and dined women of all walks of life. His face was made of smooth silk, his suits of wool and satin. He always had a handkerchief and wore half-moon glasses on the tip of his nose.

They pounded out my shell, week-to-week, to give me a smoother, more natural-seeming shape. I argued against it at first. There’s nothing natural about a tin lumberjack, so why pretend? But after a while, the new shape appealed to me, as well. It appealed to me almost as much as the money.

The money. It came in buckets and bushels, in sacks and in wheelbarrows. In barrels. In carts drawn by color-changing horses.

The loyalists that had been living at the witch’s old castle agreed to come live at the city and let us use the old castle as our treasury. We thought we’d only need the great hall at first…

___

With the forests as our newest asset, the need to harvest the wood fell to us. The people of the city were too weak, too obsessed with bean-counting and trading numbers to be bothered to move the lumber. No lumber coming out meant no money coming in. So, we needed woodsmen. Lots of them.

Straw Man and his scientists studied my physiology. They took me to pieces, examining my arms and legs and chest. They decided not to use all the same gears and flywheels that ran my movement and speech - better not have too many of me running around. We just needed them to chop wood, to move the wood and to go chop some more.

They didn’t have everything I had. Heart, most of all.

Our wind-up woodsmen marched into the forest, clearing acres in a matter of hours. When they wound down, loyalists were sent into the woods with keys to wind them back up. Oo-ee-ooh, away-we-go.

We were shipping lumber and pulp within the week. Paper and building beams were fine, but we wondered if there were some way to use the lumber for travel. My hot air balloon was unpredictable and not at all easy to manage. Was there some machine to be made that could go from the city to other cities, and out to the Muchkin lands?

Straw Man studied the situation for weeks. His solution for it was much the same as his solution for woodsmen. Me.

What kept me running? How did I survive all that time, rusted shut in the forest? And with just a little oil, I was up and running again.

Just a little oil…

___

I sat in my chamber in the Treasury Castle. I ran my fingers across my head, the bronze sliding against itself. Inside of me flowed a river of dark, black oil. It’s what had revived me in the Forest, it’s what gave me my life and my essence. And if Straw Man was right, it could be the fuel of the future. It could power the propeller-balloons he’d designed for hours, days even. There would be no more need to stay tethered to your home land - if you wanted to live with the Munchkins, then go, live with the Munchkins. Who’d stop you?

This magical, black fluid. The things it could do for us. This was the tipping point.

He’d drawn all the maps. He’d found the black, spidery ribbons that ran through the ground. There was only one problem - they’d all run right under the forest.

How could we simply ask the Lion and all his friends and family to leave? How could we demand that of them? It was due to him that we were free to make progress. I sat there, rubbing my smooth head, wondering how I could buy him out or bring him back to the city to live with the people.

Straw Man beat me to the punch.

___

The bombs fell hard on the forest for days and weeks and months. Our green-loyals marched into the thick and burned every tree we hadn’t cut down, stumps and all.

The bears tore through the first regiment and got mowed down by the second. The forest-cutters based on my body type cut and hacked and broke away all the brush and the bushes and the saplings. The tigers prowled around the edges of the fight, flanking our forces in a side attack. They were quickly captured and skinned - tiger skin was a rare and beautiful prize to those in the distant lands.

After the first rhinos were killed, the fighting seemed to stop. On the first cold day, wind blew through the poppy fields and brought snow behind it. Through the vast white field, Lion slowly marched toward the city, green and bright against a bed of pure snow.

He sat with us. His medal was still as bright and proud as it had been the day he left. Next to it hung several other metals, crafted by crude paws in the dark of the forest. One was part of a tusk. One was a circle of wood, cut from a branch.

One was a finger bone. I shuddered to think.

We sat in the Wizard’s chamber, each of us staring. Lion rested his head on his paw and breathed hard. He spoke clearly, eloquently - a tone of voice I didn’t know he had or knew how to use. He was giving us his conditions of surrender.

“Let us leave. Give me until the new moon to rush everyone out of the forest and out through the meadow to the fields. In exchange, you may keep me here.”

Straw Man rubbed a cotton glove on a silky chin. He peered across the tops of his glasses.

“I can give you until the new moon. After that, we roll in the well-diggers and we start drilling. Tell the birds to flee the trees, tell the mice to flee their holes. Everything that comes after today comes at the price of blood. Oh, and Lion? You, your family, and whichever generals of yours might still be out on the prowl? They come here and they live in a proper zoo. Like animals should.”

Lion growled, lowly. The forest - once his kingdom, his birthright - was coming to an end. He would have to live with this knowledge for the rest of his days and never more see his pride.

He agreed. He agreed because he knew that, if he didn’t remain our prisoner, we’d kill him, his cubs, and every one of his subjects. He dipped his paw in a bright, purple ink and pressed it against a scroll drawn up by Straw Man. After which, he took off every medal. What need had he for courage now? It had all been spent.

___

It was the night before the new moon. The woods were dark and anxious, free of leaves and any last signs of life. I stood there in the forest, at once my home and my great prison. Now, ankle-deep in snow in a body that couldn’t rust, I relished the cold and the damp. My waistcoat Straw Man had made for me wasn’t doing anything to shield me, nor did I need it to - I wanted to feel every sensation. All the little nuances, all the small feelings…I wanted to have them all one more time.

I reached over to my breast pocket. I tugged a golden chain and out it came. I studied it - how is it possible I never realized how intricate it was? How beautiful? I’d loved to hear it ticking, but did I ever really look at it?

I held it in my hand. Her face flashed through my memory. What would she do, if she were here?

How old must she be now? She was only a girl…perhaps she’d become that woman I knew she’d be some day. A good witch, floating on a bubble, unaware of all the good she’d done. Maybe she’d met a man, had a family. Maybe she thought of us all from time to time.

She’d stop me, I thought. What we’re doing is wrong…

I couldn’t tell if I believed that or not. We were creating industry. We had provided security. We had given the people what they wanted - a chance to forget that once, powerful witches and scheming wizards ruled the land with terror and deception.

Straw Man’s plans were already in motion. Lion had surrendered the forest and now we’d be taking every last drop of oil out of the ground. We’d build the ships, the balloons, the trains - we’d give Oz and the rest of this world everything they’d ever desired. We’d bring the future.

But how could I look these people in the eye and tell them we knew what was best? After we’d slaughtered the forest animals, after we’d sacrificed our most loyal soldiers in a war that cost so many lives…could I look anyone in the eye and tell them I truly cared?

If I cared, I’d have told Straw Man we were done expanding. Done producing. Each of us having enough was what should have mattered. Instead, I let him expand his reach, attack his friends, and line his pockets with wealth with no regard for what we’d all sacrificed to get where we were.

It would take someone truly heartless to lie that way.

And with that, I set my heart on the stump of an old tree - had I cut it down so long ago? - and I raised my axe high into the night air. I brought it down in one swift stroke and cut it clean in half. The gears stopped turning. The hands quit ticking. It was over.

I sat there that night and I cried and cried until the dawn. The well-diggers came and Straw Man with them. He ordered me back to the Treasury and sat me there in my bed chamber. I told him what I’d done. He didn’t seem so upset. He told me he understood, that he was proud of the sacrifice I’d made. He promoted me to “Grand High People’s Regent” (a title that sounded so sweet it made you forget it didn’t mean anything) and he replaced my “boring old bronze” with pure gold.

Now, I sit here, every day, counting the money.

It comes in great sacks, heaps and heaps of money in every denomination. They tear open a sack, I count and sort the money, I call for another.

Lion stays here, too. He whimpers in the corner as I move throughout the day. I write out the scroll with the updated gain and I send it to the Straw Man. He makes investments, he makes loans, he enforces debts. He can raise up or destroy whole cities and countries with one letter. He can turn kings into paupers and back again. He controls the money, he controls the debt, and in that, he controls the world.

I’m trotted out on occasion. Every Witching Week Holiday, we ceremonially drop a house in Munchkin Land. Volunteers go from door to door, dressed as witches, getting buckets of water thrown at them. The people laugh and cheer, and each year, they come to see their heroes. Lion stands on his legs again, dressed in full regalia. I don’t wear a coat anymore - I have no need for pockets and the gold is so stunning. Straw Man plays down his own role in all this, even though it’s all his doing. And at the end of every Witching Week, we light a single candle in a single paper balloon and send it off toward the heavens.

The people all hope it reaches her star. I hope it never will.

There would be no place for a good heart here.

Evolving

Wed, 09 May 2012 17:43:40 -0400

Obama just said he supported gay marriage. A lot of people seem thrilled by this, and it is big news.

But you *do* understand this doesn’t magically reverse Amendment One, right? This also doesn’t mean gay marriage is legal everywhere. It’s a stated opinion, not a legal ruling. Obama doesn’t make laws, and cannot.

With regards to Amendment One, this, from Politico:

As expected, North Carolina voters overwhelmingly approved the state constitutional amendment 60 percent to 40 percent, with nearly half of precincts reporting.

“Your efforts send a message to the state of North Carolina and to the country that we will not allow marriage to be redefined in this state,” Tami Fitzgerald, chair of Vote for Marriage NC, told supporters gathered in Raleigh. “The nation is watching North Carolina, and we have given them a high standard to follow.”

The Board of Elections for North Carolina recorded only ~35% of registered voters turning out for the vote statewide. Amendment One didn’t command nearly as much attention as it could have or should have. And would it have been voted down if more had come? We’ll never know. Because they didn’t.

So:

Obama saying he supports gay marriage isn’t the same as Obama signing a marriage equality bill into law.
Obama saying he supports gay marriage isn’t the same as Obama putting pressure on Congress to vote on a similar law.
Believe you me, any decisions about what marriage equality is - or isn’t - are going to be made in the voting booth.
Attendance is no longer optional, on anything. You really want something? Go vote for it. Don’t piss and moan about how voting never matters. Clearly, it does.

Don’t confuse for one second what “supporting” means. Right now, it means the man has voiced his opinion. We’ll see if that carries any weight come election time.